That isn’t supposed to be a…

**WARNING** If words like Uterus, cervix, or vagina affend you don’t continue.

 

Jodi gave a little insight into our first Lamaze class in the blog below, but I thought I would throw my 2 cents in.  

 

First off, these classes are driving me nuts.  We have the same lady for every class we’ve been to, and she is really starting to annoy me.  Examples: The first time I heard her say “Feel free to ask a question as soon as you have it.  I know from being pregnant that with baby brain if you don’t ask right away you may never get it back.” it was kinda funny.  But, she starts EVERY class with the same lame jokes.  Also, she wastes so much time.  I think she is being paid until 9 pm so she tries her best to make every class take that long.  Even if that means that she has to ask if there are any questions 4 time and then sit there in awkward silence.  Or, just talk really slow and go over things numerous times.  Also, and I just realized this last class and I am sure it is going to kill over the next FIVE weeks, but she is ALWAYS touching herself.  Maybe it was because we were doing the whole “relaxation thing” last class, but as she was instructing the Mom’s-to-be how to relax I am pretty sure she was helping herself relax.  She was caressing her neck and then other times stroking her leg.  Weird.

 

Enough about the teacher, she is a nice lady, just a couple of quarks.  The part that I so desperately wanted to blog about is great.  I am sure I won’t do it justice with this story, but I will do my best.  

 

The first thing we do is introduce ourselves to everyone and discussed if we are having a boy or girl or in our case don’t know (we started our own category).  Then we begin to talk about the birth.  All this time our teacher lady has had some different items on a table.  I paid no attention to them as she always has some sort of props she uses.  So as she is discussing why birth is painful (I whisper to Jodi that is was the apple in Eden) she leans back to her table and grabs a couple of props.  One is a realistic model of the pelvis hip area.  The other is some sort of knit ball.   I thought the ball was going to represent the baby, but then I notice that this ball has short sleeve like opening and all the sudden I get it.  I lean to Jodi with a smirk on my face and say “That isn’t supposed to be a…”  and she smirks back at me nodding her head, YES.  It was a Knit Uterus!  That’s right, a Knit Uterus.  I happened to look it up on line and found a company selling this thing, here is there description.

 

One of the most effective cervical effacement and dilatation teaching tools ever devised, this knitted uterus model is made of variegated blue acrylic yarns that differentiate the fundus, lower segment, cervix, and vagina (attached with snaps). 

I mean seriously.  The thing looked like a sweater, stripes and all.  The best part is when she proceeded to unsnap the vagina, stick her hand up the cervix and pull the baby’s head out!  (I’m not sure if I got that order right) I don’t know how to take these classes seriously.  I mean really, a Knit Uterus.  

I am all for knitting, don’t get me wrong.  I am sure it is great hobby.  I nice sweater or cap is a great idea.  Old ladies sitting around knitting random items of clothing for members of their families is a great gesture.  But the idea of a some factory mass producing stripped knit Uteruses makes me sick, and also laugh.  It takes a talent to knit a sweater or even a blanket, but it you can knit a Uterus you are a yarn master.

Don’t call it a come back.

**WARNING** If words like Penis, Penis-head, or Slide Projector affend you don’t continue.

 

Yeah, it has been a while since there has been a little male perspective on this blog.  Believe me, I have gotten all the emails and letters requesting for my insight.  So, without any further delay…just don’t call it a come back (little LL reference).

 

Have you ever been in a room with a bunch of people making jokes and laughing with you wife, then look around and realize that the two of you are the only ones laughing.  That pretty much sums up what our first experience was like at the “Baby Care” classes we are attending at our hospital.  

 

Funny thing you may not know about me…when I get in large group of people and there is awkward silence I always go through a million different funny things (well things I think would be funny) to say out loud.  Every once in a while I actually say them, but usually it is just under my breath to Jodi.  Like at this class, we are there maybe 4 minutes and here it comes…awkward silence, and in my head I just want to blurt out “So, babies huh?”.  I know, it is not even that funny, but in my head it is hilarious.  

 

So the class starts off with this nice lady welcoming us, and breifly going over what we will be learning.  The next thing I remember the lights are out and some how this lady got here hands on my grandpa’s slide projector from the late 70’s.  My first thought is “aren’t we at Lakewood Ranch Women’s Center, where is the flat screen with the Blue Ray video?” my second thought was “how does this lady know my grandpa?”.  

 

She starts flipping through slides and mentioning some helpful tips.  I have to admit that over all I learned some stuff that will most likely be useful information.  But, then came the circumcision discussion.  This is when I almost lost it.  She must have said the word Penis or Penis-head 12 -17 times in a row.  But the kicker was when she was warning us about the recovery for the little guy’s little guy.  Her exact words were “The first time you open up the diaper there is going to be an angry little penis looking back at you.”  Of course all I could think about was a penis with an angry face questioning me as to why I put it through such torture.

 

Jodi and I thought it was hilarious.  It was so funny.  But then we looked around and we were the only ones laughing.  We started to think that maybe we were too immature for what we are getting ourselves into.  Then again maybe we could laugh about it because we are actually calm enough to see the humor in a good Penis-head joke.

Indescribable

This past Tuesday we had another appointment.  This time we met Dr. Alvarez.  This is the first time we’ve actually met the Dr.  Every other time we’ve been there it has been a mid-wife that we have met with.

Well, if you saw my entry “Looking for a Heartbeat” you would know that at the last appointment that is what we were doing.  But we never got to hear it.  So this time we thought we might have the oppurtunity.

We weren’t in the room very long when Dr. Alvarez came in.  Like I said until this point we had been dealing with the mid-wife and nurses (all women).  When Dr. Alvarez walked in he introduced himself, shook our hands, and got right to business.  Just not quite as sentimental as the women have been.  He asked Jodi to lay down and before we knew what was going on he had whipped out some sort of device out of his coat pocket, placed it on my wife’s abdomen, and the next thing we knew we heard this fast paced little “thump, thump”.  It was little dubs hearbeat.  We had finally found it.  Don Johnson would be so proud!

I don’t know if you have seen it or not, but there is an awesome video out there by a Christian speaker Louie Giglio (I posted the segment from this video below, I suggest watching the whole thing) called Indescibable.  It is about how huge and vast God is.  He explains this by showing some awesome constellations and different galaxies out in space.  In one point in the video he shows the Vela Pulsar way out in space, Louie proceeds to tell us that NASA pointed a radio telescope at it and they picked up this rhythmic beat from it.  He says that all of creation was glorifying God and it didn’t want to miss out. 

That is the exact feeling I got from hearing my child’s heartbeat, that it was glorifying God. 

looking for a heartbeat

I think Don Johnson said it best in 1986.  “Heartbeat, I’m lookin for a heart beat.”

Jodi and I had our second appointment yesterday.  This was supposed to be the “hear the heartbeat” visit.  But, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

The second appointment started alot like the first.  Jodi and I both got off work early, we met in the Outback parking lot so we could ride together, and we were both excited; this time to hear our little buddy’s “Heartbeat”.  

We get to the women’s center and when we are in the elevator we start talking about what is going to happen.  As the doors open I tell Jodi that I am a little worried that I am not going to be as excited as I was for the first one.  Everyone has told me “wait until you hear the heartbeat”, so I feel like I have to live up to these expectations. But I really liked seeing him, what if I don’t react the same way from hearing him?

When we first walked into the office the first question my wife asked was “do you need a urine sample?”  The reason for her concern was that she really had to go.  The receptionist said yes, so Jodi thought she was going to have to hold it.  As we are about to go sit down, the receptionist said “if you really have to go, we can get your sample now.”  Lifesaver!

While you sit in the waiting room they have a TV that is entertianing you with some CNN health channel.  Did you know that 67% of the nations water supply has flouride added to it.  Well I do and now you do too.

Jodi’s name gets called and we head back.  She hops on the scale and it reads the same number as the first appointment.  I ask the nurse if this is normal and she says it is fine and ushers us  into the room.

Jodi hops on the transformer and we wait.  We are sitting there for a little while and then the mid-wife comes in.  She asks us some questions and then I ask her if it is normal that my wife hasn’t gained any weight.  She tells me that they don’t even worry about weight, as long as she is eating, in the first trimester.  To which I reply, “I don’t get it, she has definitly gained girth?”  They both just laughed.

So now the mid-wife takes this microphone looking thing that is attached to what looks like a tape recorder, but is actually some sort of speaker.  They goop up my wife’s belly and start rubbing the mic on it.  They were shoving it into her gut, moving it around, but they couldn’t hear anything.  We were starting to get worried, but the mid-wife said they were going to get a better mic.  Again she tried but no matter how hard she was “looking for a heartbeat” she couldn’t find one.

Later Jodi and I talked about how we were worried that maybe something was wrong.  I think the mid-wife could sense the concern from us and she told us that Jodi’s uterus was sitting very far back and that was proboably why we couldn’t hear him.  She also said we would just go do another ultra-sound if we didn’t hear it.

So we didn’t hear him and we had to change rooms.  The ladies left and Jodi had to get dressed.  We both looked at each other and to our surprise we were both excited.  Jodi actually liked the idea of seeing him better, and as you know from the beginning of this entry that is what I preferred too.

So we went in the the other room and they dimmed the lights.  Next thing we new there he was up on the monitor again.  But, this time it was so much better.  He actually looked like a baby.  A very small miniture baby, but still.  He was no longer the shape of a peanut with stubs.  He had legs with knees and arms, and I think he was actually break-dancing. The nurse said that the way his chest and head were moving he had the hiccups. It was so awesome to see him looking somewhat human!

We got another picture which I will upload soon, but what an awesome experience, again.  God is so amazing, our baby is alive, developing, growing and even break-dancing.  This is no accident, this is God at work.

Psalm 139

Last night at Amplify (our high school ministry at our church) I had the students watch a Rob Bell video.  The title was “name” and the concept was being comfortable with who you are in God and not being defined by labels.  In the viedo he quotes two verses from Psalm 139.

 13 For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.

These verses have taken on a whole new meaning for me now that little dub is on the way.  I started talking to little dub as soon as I found out he existed.  Granted, he hadn’t developed ears yet, but I just wanted him to know I was there and that I loved him.

I know this kid.  He doesn’t have a personality, I don’t know if he’s right or left handed, or if he’s even developed hands yet.  But, nevertheless, I know him and love him unconditionally.  Being a dad isn’t something that is going to happen when little dub is born…I already am a dad.

How much better, fuller, truer is the love of God than mine?  I am only a part of this creation process, I can only imagine how the actual creator must feel.  The way I feel about little dub has shed a new light on the way God feels about us. 

We are fearfully and wonderfully made.